Saturday’s Various and Sundry
It is morning here in Richmond, VA. My son is awake and watching Jurassic World Lego cartoons. I am drinking the first cuppa of the day. I have taken my meds and have put in the eye drops. You see, I had a very successful cataracts surgery on Thursday. My vision in my left eye went from 20/400 to 20/20. Unreal. I’ve been wearing glasses for 40 years. So, this is a bit of a change. I still need readers, but…yeah. I’m still not sure what to do with this.
I have not been writing much this week…and the reason surprises me. Someone called me a “vampire.” Apparently, my way of writing and sharing about Life and Stuff is a burden to them. They left a pretty intense comment for all to see about how I am Doing Everything Wrong. These kinds of comments come from time to time, but this one really threw me. I’ve not been able to write a thing since.
Now, some might think that it touched a nerve because there’s some truth in it. Perhaps. I’ve been listening to that voice. But mostly, I am perplexed because this person doesn’t even like that I talk about the first cup of coffee. That’s too much.
I write that first line to ground myself. What I write here is a kind of “first pages” or “morning pages,” a stream of consciousness in an attempt to get the writing motor started for the day. Most of my writing is academic or ecclesial in nature. To get to that kind of thinking and writing, I need to process my day in some fashion. So, I write about it.
I write about my self-doubt. I write about mental illness. I write about what I hear and see immediately around me. I write about that first cup of coffee. It’s occasionally vulnerable. I write about God and my Franciscan journey. I hope that what I share is helpful to people and written in such a way that is compelling.
I also try to be funny. I like being funny. I’m a goof and I hope it shows.
So, the fact that I’m thrown by their comment and my reaction to it troubles me. I hate being so easily unmoored. That “fragile sense of self” that comes with mental illness is real, y’all.
I remember my first psyche evaluation when I was getting ordained 20 years ago. I remember the language they used to describe my psychological well being. A test that exists to weed out sexual predators and the like is also used to berate those who have real struggles, but who also have a call to ordained ministry. Now, don’t get me wrong. You need a strong sense of self to be a parish priest. You are the Cineplex Odeon for everyone’s spiritual woes and struggles. You need to be able to navigate the complexities of a large psycho-spiritual system without losing yourself. But the gatekeepers gonna gatekeep. They will use words like “protection” and “compassion” but it never really comes across that way. It’s a kind of purity test.
If you want spiritual leadership that has experienced addiction, psychological illness, or trauma, then you’re going to see some real vulnerability and even fragility in clergy.
It’s okay to be fragile. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be in recovery. God does not work from strength to strength. God’s witness is borne in weakness. We easily forget that. I easily forget that and I take pills every day to keep my brain from going off track. It’s easy to forget.
Power comes from embracing our foibles and troubles. Strength comes from embracing our weakness. I have a “fragile sense of self.” So be it. I know how my God redeems all things to the Good.
This is why I try to be vulnerable and honest in my writing. Some day, I would like to write a book about weakness and honesty…a quotidian spiritual atlas of sorts. Maybe I will. Maybe these posts are just the kind of practice I need to be able to write such a work.
Here’s a picture of me with my readers because this is all I need now. Readers. Ha!
Y’all be excellent to each other.
Congratulations on successful cataract surgery. I had both eyes done in October and the difference is indeed miraculous. However, I find that I still need to wear glasses because when I'm out and about, I keeping having to "put on/take off" my mid-range glasses to see small things. Very disconcerting, so I bought another pair of progressive bifocals. They arrive today, I hope in time for me to wear them to the 50th anniversary of some dear friends this afternoon.
As to your critic, after more than 50 years as a professional writer, my response to such crabbing is, "Thank you very much. If you don't like what I write, don't read me." Then I move on to more appreciate pastures. Being vulnerable is one thing; letting yourself in for doubt and self-recrimination is not needed or welcomed. Unless you are utterly horrible in content, you're entitled to write whatever you damn well please.
Have a good weekend.
Most of the comments so far have been to do with negative feedback that you received. But you also raised the topic of the attributes of a good priest or church leader.
You say that you need a ‘strong sense of self’ to be a parish priest. Indeed. I would further suggest that he or she also needs a strong sense of purpose.
Most priests are general managers of a small or medium-sized enterprise. For business owners the mission is usually straightforward ― something on the following lines:
1. Be profitable.
2. Have satisfied customers.
3. Build resilience and reserves for long-term survival.
A priest, however, cannot define success or failure so easily. For example, if he or she creates a valued prayer group, but also has P&L that’s in the red, has he succeeded or failed?
I suppose that it comes down to strengthening your strengths, and delegating the weak areas. In this case, the priest will work hard on creating other prayer ministries, but delegate the financial issues to someone who can fill the role of CFO.
I suspect that this topic could be full post in its own right.