Walk

I used to do this thing…and a picture of my dog.

I used to do this thing all the time.

I used to walk across campus while I was in Berkeley, CA. I dictated to my phone. An entire essay or article I was working on. I’d be writing it in my head until there was just too much to hold onto. Then I would pick up my phone and dictate into it.

In a sense, that’s what I’m doing right now. I‘m walking and talking. I’ll clean it up later and post it.

I have not done this in years. In some ways I haven’t been able to. I can’t keep the focus. I don’t know if it’s because of my meds or something else. But keeping focus like that is incredibly difficult these days. And by these days I mean the last four or five years. Is this my lingering Covid?

One of the reasons why I have not been able to do this is because I haven’t needed to do this. There would be so much going on in the doctoral seminars and lectures that I would have to decompress and put something out in the universe.

These days, there’s not enough input and my brain is running on fumes.

This is just how things are. It’s on me. I should be reading more books or watching documentaries or something. But I’m not. I’m cruising the Internet instead. Sometimes I encounter something interesting and useful. Most of it is pretty banal. My algorithmic cul-de-sac is not all that interesting. There are a lot of kind people. But scandal eludes. Ha!

Do I really need scandal in order to write something compelling? Do I need to be surprised? Does it need to be novel? Or is it that the things that I find deeply compelling and interesting are simply too painful to read right now?

How much longer will this kind of grieving last? I’m done with it.

I used to write about eschatological musicking, sonic sacramentals, and such. Now, I write about my dog or my medication or my mental health. I feel like I used to have something to say, and now all I do is ramble.

So, I am sharing this post on Substack because it’s lengthier than my usual Facebook post, and too long for an Instagram post. I’m just trying to get myself started again.

If you are new here, please know that I am trying to do better. Please know that most of my posts will not be like this one. And I am more than open to your creative feedback. Thank you for reading this

This is Duke. He’s a heavy chewer.

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