Lawn Darts

Things I didn’t know.

It all begins with Lawn Darts. Do you remember Lawn Darts? I was a child when this toy came onto the market. They were exactly what you would imagine, giant darts that one threw into a target in the lawn. They were heavy and meant to drop from the sky into a circle. Simple. Dangerous.

My friends and I absolutely threw them at one another. How any of us survived childhood without being impaled is still a mystery to me. But there we were playing with danger and destruction.

I am sitting in my dining room. It is a smallish room with too much furniture in it. There is a large table, of course, a Hoosier cabinet, a corner cabinet (filled with China), and a bench. There is just enough room for people to sit around the table. This is where I do most of my writing. I have an office upstairs, but I have yet to set it up for my present situation. Instead, it is still set up as if someone is writing a dissertation.

I want to pack it up. I do. But then the grief strikes and I cannot bring myself to let go. I still cling to the fantasy that I would someday put “PhD” behind my name. But it’s just not going to happen. I cannot seem to accept that. I ignore the disappointment and cling to fantasy. Lawn Darts.

Is this alcoholic thinking? Addictive thinking? Is this my ego run amok? Perhaps. I am still too close to it to say. All I know is that letting go hurts and I do not wish to feel that pain, to aacept that sense of failure. I should be able to do something, anything, to fix this situation. I should be able to will myself into completing the project. I should. I should. I should on myself. I want to drink this away. Lawn Darts.

Years ago, accepting that my life had become unmanageable and that I had somehow become powerless in the face of my addiction was the hardest part about getting sober. The second hardest part was convincing others. I hid my pain away so well. I drank alone a lot. I could not convince others that I was in danger of losing myself, that things had become unmanageable. Lawn Darts.

We used to throw these toys at one another and laugh. We didn’t know. We simply didn’t know.